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Honestly, you perform one desk-side splenectomy and the whole office goes ape shit…

medical appointments

Fortunately, mailroom Ronny is still available to meet all of your pharmaceutical needs…

No, but I am available in a large print format and hope to be closed captioned by Christmas…

wheelchair

His next note advised that we’re “ramping up” for greater workplace inclusion…

Cool. You fire up the Delorean and I’ll meet you in the parking lot…

2011

Perhaps we could also revisit 1998 and my decision to come work here in the first place…

Too bad. My “scratch-n-sniff” sexual harassment policy had real potential…

scent free

The corporate leadership, however, can continue to stink…

Next he’ll ask for carbon copies of the emissions studies…

blind copy

It still doesn’t top the time he asked that our visible minority policy be written in “black and white”…

Statement: Is there a serious head injury in your past?

question

Answer: Idiot Boss

Sounds like it might be more of a “contrast” than “compare” exercise…

compare notes

I guess I better scratch out the repeated references to “the pin-headed ninny”

A brilliant follow-up to the classic “who will be at the team meeting” note…

staff day

I’m guessing it will be all of the staff. (Except for the lucky few who are on vacation, call in sick or are fortunate enough to die in the interim…)

Done. They cited “lack of clarity vs. profound stupidity” as a precedent to consider…

legal opinion

They also suggested that I may be able to make a case for justifiable homicide…

So many contradictions, so little time…

volunteering

Just one more example of why I consider drinking to be a discretionary necessity…

Because using them might inadvertently result in productivity…

office supplies

From this point forward any staff found in possession of a ball point pen may be subject to summary execution…

What the Helvetica…?

fonts2

It’s comic, sans intent…

Exhibit “B” in My Sexual Harassment Suit…

oral

Leaving early to go home and shower…

I’d describe it as a consecutive series of 24-hour periods which are organized by week, month and year….

Oh, and it has pictures of kittens on it too…

Anything in particular? Coffee cups? Lunch bags? Open sewers…?

look into things

Or perhaps the gaping void that has become my career…?

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